So a Greek Philosopher and a Butt Rocker walk into a bar

According to the Aztec calendar, yesterday was the day of the Vulture (cozcacuauhtli), and is supposed to be a good day for dealing with and confronting disruptions, failures, and setbacks. The vulture is something of a buffoon in Mesoamerican folk culture, but as an eater of carrion, he also is seen as a sort of cosmic mistake-corrector.

Sammy Hagar is also someone I think of as a buffoon (kind of like a corny, pumped-up Roger Daltrey), and as it transpires, I have a story to tell about him. I had a dream recently that I was watching a documentary about Saturday Night Live in its mid-to-late 80s incarnation. Jon Lovitz was seriously on his game at this moment, and in a strange way, simultaneously manifesting the Frank Black aesthetic at another location in the culturescape. Even though Lovitz is more swarthy and less grungy. I stand by the metaphor. 

Anyway, it was a good doc, and let me tell you, I was really enjoying it. I'm rarely happier than I am when I'm watching a good movie, and this one was excellent. It had a lot of program footage (of course), but also a lot of incidental backstage footage, off-the-cuff interviews, and unreleased sketches.

But by far the most interesting part (and I know I watched the whole 90 minute doc in the dream, but forgot most of it within a few minutes of waking up) was the bit where Pythagoras of Samos inexplicably came back from the dead in 1989 and hosted an episode of SNL. 

This was a major media event and people were pretty psyched about it. I mean, everybody knew "this guy is an important pre-Socratic philosopher, and he also invented the Pythagorean Theorum, right triangle, hypotenuse, bam. Everybody knows that shit's no joke. So, respect." Obviously, he's been dead for like 2500 years, so it's a major media event for him to be back, mixing it up in New York City no less. And Lorne Michaels is no fool; of course he invites the one and only Pythagoras to host an episode of SNL. How could he not?

So I'm watching the footage that was shot by a documentary cameraman following Pythagoras, who has understandably become something of a media darling, as he makes his way on foot toward the SNL headquarters at 30 Rockefeller Center. The Ionian philosopher and mathematician has adopted modern clothing and sports close-cropped white hair, a sport-coat over a white t-shirt, dress pants, and a pair of black Wayfarers, which have become his trademark. On his way to the forum, so to speak, a man accosts him in the crowd: "Pythagoras, Pythagoras, hey man I need to talk to you!" It's Sammy Hagar.

"Yes my son?" asks Pythagoras, removing his shades, his brow furrowed with concern.  Hagar, visibly troubled, introduces himself briefly, and begins. By this point I no longer felt myself to be watching a documentary. It seemed like I was standing on the street, watching the interaction.

"Pythagoras I have to ask you a question. What is Law? Why do we have laws, and what are they, really?" It seems the flippantly lighthearted nonchalance toward legal convention Hagar had demonstrated in the lyric to 1984's "I Can't Drive 55" had led to unforseen consequences of late, and the Van Halen vocalist seemed genuinely troubled by questions clearly beyond his capabilities to comprehend. Pythagoras gently pressed his fist to his lips for a moment in thought before beginning.

"Well, to begin, bear in mind that I am a mathematician, not a lawyer. I study the laws of computation, not the laws of justice. But I can tell you two things: You say you are a famous man. I can tell you that the laws – social laws and sometimes even judicial laws – that govern men whose company is sought out by others are quite different from the laws which govern men whose company is reviled by their fellows. And you also tell me you are a performer. I can tell you that the laws of performance, that govern the musician, actor, or even an academic orator like myself, are unlike all other laws in that the general public specifically wishes not to know them, because many of them feel this diminishes their experience of the performance. These laws are a lonely knowledge, only understood by the few men and women who must learn to follow them in order to ply their trade." Sammy just kind of stared at the philosopher, goggle-eyed.

Pythagoras looked at his wristwatch "And now, if you'll excuse me, young man, I have an appointment to host a television program called Saturday Night Live."

But Hagar was still distressed.  "Pythagoras, wait! Come back! I need to talk to you!" But he was lost in the crush of the crowd as Rockefeller Center security ushered the man who may have been the first to call himself "philosopher" or lover of knowledge, into the lobby and up to a waiting Lorne Michaels. 

What kind of a dream was that? Your guess is as good as mine.